I'm a bad parent...only on bad days....

I’m a bad parent...I know, I know...I can hear the collective “No you’re not!” and I agree. I am not like other parents who neglect or abuse their kids. Don’t get me wrong, but I am a bad parent because sometimes I fail to remember what my kid needs from me. I fail to remember that it’s not all about projecting some kind of perfectness upon my boy so society looks at him without judgement. Sometimes I fail to remember that his needs are greater than my own, that he needs to cry out his tantrum “right now” even though my need is to sleep, eat, shop, watch TV, write a blog, etc. Sometimes I forget that my kid sees the world so much differently than I do, I mean, I thought I had a good memory and an eye for detail! My kid can see a ladybug 20 meters away.

Look. I am not a bad parent, I guess I am just trying to prove a point. Having a kid on the spectrum is hard work, but having ANY kid is hard work. Being a parent is hard work, full stop, no return. But, I just wish I could have an endless supply of patience, because my kid deserves it. You know what I mean. We have so many of our own personal issues to contend with and then we have a kid with needs to grow! It can be a full on exercise in endurance.

There are times I am great at being an uber patient parent. I know we all agree with that we as parents can have searingly bright moments of glory. We do so good managing the meltdown in K-Mart, the poo smeared on the wall, every toy owned strewn across the floor, the sleepless nights, the fight to wash their hair or brush their teeth, the fear of all things invisible, the fear of all things visible, the tantrums, the mood swings, the depression, the anger, the violence, the hatred, the obsessions, the over-the-top excitement when they see the Golden Arches, the “it’s too loud”, the I-want-it-and-want-it-now’s (what I call “Veruca Salts”) and everything else in between that when we don’t manage it, its glaringly obvious.

The goods certainly outweigh the bad’s, don’t get me wrong. And maybe its just my well known ability to not be consistent (my teachers always said “He just needs to apply himself”) in dealing with my little boy that aggravates me the most. I mean, that’s what he needs. Full-stop, no return. He needs an understanding daddy, every single time it happens.

But I fail miserably. I get irritated, frustrated, angry, emotional, short, curt, and most of all impatient. I get frustrated when he won’t listen, won’t do what he’s told (even when its a matter of safety), constantly repeats himself,  yells, screams, yells some more, screams louder, talks constantly, presses every button there is too press, all because I am tired, busy, focussed on other things, reading, writing, working, sick as a dog, using the toilet, driving the car, checking the sugar content in the juice I just gave him, talking to someone else, checking facebook (which reminds me...), cooking, peeling potatoes, having quiet time....you get the picture.

I am not perfect. I’m not a perfect parent and I ask you, who is? None of us are. I love my kid and thats all there is too it. Sure, I forget that I am a visitor in his world often, but when I remember, it’s when I get the most out of my little boy that is Autistic.

Be the visitor in your kids world...at least once a week...might make you a great parent!

Ignorance is bliss...

I guess by now you have realised that my biggest gripe about Zacs journey so far is the ignorance of others, which is not fair really because I was once one of them! I too did not know much about Autism, but knew enough about learning difficulties and other disabilities. I can't blame people for not knowing, and I don't really but what annoys me and my wife is the judgement and the lack of grace extended by those ignorant people.

You see, on the outside, Zac is a very normal looking kid. He smiles, he talks ok, he introduces himself all at once as "HiI'mZacharyWilson" and he can do pretty much everything else a kid can do, but its the extreme behaviours that people don't understand. Hell, our families don't really understand them because they are not around him much.

Mention Autism and people think – disability. When Zac was first diagnosed in November 2009, I told a friend at work and she said, "Oh, I'm sorry" as if I had just told her he had died. Even recently, I was telling another work associate who is pregnant that I had a son with Autism and she looked at me and said, "Oh, thats something I should know about" and then asked if I Goggled a lot about Autism.

For many parents of kids on the spectrum, behaviour is the biggest issue, especially when out and about. I have heard and read stories of parents who are basically trapped at home because their kids "tantrums"( I wish we could call it something else!) get so out of control, the emotional distress on both parent and child is just too much to bare. We too have been the subject of stares and looks, rolling eyes and chinese whispers.

Renee was in Centrelink one day, and as we are in a regional area, we actually have an office for the aged and disabled. Well, she was in line, Zac was in the pram which was the last place he wanted to be. The line was full of older citizens and Zac was playing up, causing trouble and being loud. He was crying because he wanted something and of course, Renee had to do what she had to do, but the "oldies" in the line were all looking at her with their judgemental eyes and a couple of old biddies in front actually tutted at the noise. In the end, Zac needed to have his attention changed, so Renee took him outside and calmed him down then returned to have the same ladies walk by and said, as if it was their place too, "That's much better now, isn't it?". Makes you want to be violent!

Recently, we were at Nandos. Zac was sick and it was the wrong choice for dinner, but we went anyway. Zac whinged as soon as we got there. We didn't get the right table number and then the chippies were too hot. They had salt on them so it burned his little dry, cracked lips. Well, a young guy came in and sat at the table behind us. I was getting frustrated at Zacs constant crying which seemed to bounce off every wall and echo through the store. After much shooshing and comforting, Zac was still upset and then the guy turned to us an yelled at the top of his voice, "Will you f...ing shut him up...smack him or something."While that sinks in, yes its true and no, not one bit of it is an exaggeration. Needless to say we left, leaving a few choice words behind us,.

Ignorance does not just relate to the general population, I know of parents who refuse to accept the diagnosis that their child is on the spectrum as if ignoring it will make it go away or if accepting it means their kid is different. Hey, they are the same kid you loved before the diagnosis, Autism is not a death sentence, nor is it a disease...nor will it go away. Parents need to accept it – and as soon as possible because your kid needs you to fight for them!

Do I want more people to understand Autism? Sure. It cant hurt, but what I want more is that society becomes a more accepting place for my kid and other ASD kids to grow up in without fear of judgement or misunderstanding, but I cant stop that, I can only do what I can. That's why I love the website listed here. Zazzle.com.au has clothing specifically for autism. Tee's with great slogans like "If you stare long enough you might cure my autism, then we can work on your problem." There are some real pearlers and if it means that by wearing a teeshirt my kid gets less stares and moreunderstanding, hell, I will dress him head to toe.

Check out the website, its great! http://www.zazzle.com.au/autism+tshirts