Ch ch ch...choices!

Why does it seem harder to make decisions about important matters when you have an Autistic kid?

There is so much to consider, so much to take into account. The bigger the decision, the more contemplating you seem to do. If your autistic cherub is averse to change, like Zac, even the simplest and smallest change can set off an avalanche of stress, tantrums and meltdowns, developmental and behavioural retreating and a day/week/month of difficulties.

But, I am a firm believer that you can not allow your child to imprison you within the “fear” of a meltdown.

Your child, our children, live in a world that is different to the way they view it, with social rules and complexities that they do not understand or have the capacity to assimilate too. Where we see white, they see every shade. Where we hear a room full of people, they hear a rock band in a small room.

In their life, they create their own rules and routines. Zac was blinkered in to travelling the same way too and from Kinder that any diversion was cause for concern. Genuine concern.

If we said we were going somewhere like, Target, we had to go straight to Target. No diversions.

When we stay away from home, when we return, Zac is difficult for about 3 days until he settles back into our routine.

But I am a bit of a masochist sometimes and will purposely alter plans, travel destinations, routes and routines just so Zac can understand that life is not as “narrow-minded” as he sees it. There are things he can’t control and he needs to understand that and it is my job to ensure that – even though reasoning with him about something changed is  the most difficult thing in the world. Him being challenged now, will help in the future.

Renee and I have made some tough decisions over the last few years. We have also made choices that have been based on the threat of meltdowns; in the best interests of Zac, us and the general population.

The biggest decision so far has been to remain in the small country town we live in after having moved from the “big-smoke” four years ago. Something about Zac going to a school of 150 students, 5 minutes from home seemed comfortable. Then when we met the Principal, there was no denying that Zac needed to be there.

A few weeks ago, Renee rang the Principal to begin the transition from Kinder to school. It is something that we need to prepare for 6 months in advance. This kid has been at the same kinder for a year an a half, with the same teacher and same rules, so getting him settled into school is going to be a huge transition.

Renee was so excited when the Principal told her to send in every report she had about Zac so that they could start writing their proposal for an integration aide.

When she met the Principal, our fears and concerns about Zac heading to school were allayed. This Principal showed Renee the “calm” space they created for another autistic boy, talked about how they would support Zac and his transition to school.

It was the proof we needed to confirm our decision.

This week we were presented with another important and very hard decision to make.

Renee discovered there is one place available at the Winchelsea Kinder. He currently attends Kinder/daycare in the city close to Renee’s work and has been there nearly 2 years. He has had the best care and teacher. We couldn’t have asked for more.

But, with an available spot at the kinder, Zac would be able to spend 6 months with kids that will be in his prep class at school next year. It means that he can potentially make friends, something we desperately want from him. The transition to school would be better planned and cause Zac less stress.

It means Renee would have to finish working though. There are no child-care facilities in our town and we have no one to look after him during the day.

So the decision is a tough one to make, but when you weigh it all up, it’s not hard to see the value and positive outcomes of making the choice. Do we choose to live on one very meagre salary so that he can have the best chance and start at school? Could he transition to school without problem and we simply take the chance? Is money really worth it in the end?

It’s the things we do for our kids. That’s what counts.

A friend gave me this quote:

”If choosing between work and family, choose family – work will always be there later"

Acceptance....just what what we needed

We have just got back from dinner with friends and I have been inspired to write a new blog.

Dinner was with the family of Zacs best friend, Bryce. Bryce is a very special kid and has an important place in Zacs life. They know each other from kinder last year and we are not sure what or why it happened, but Zac and Bryce just clicked. They are the absolute epitome of BFF’s!

Bryce’s mum, Belinda, works at the day-care centre that Zac goes to, so it was only inevitable that we would all meet socially so that the boys could meet for play dates.

Make no mistake, Zac is totally obsessed with this kid! Bryce just seems to get him and understand what he needs and how to play with him on his level. It is great to see them together. I love hearing Bryce calm Zac when hes having a tantie and I have even heard Bryce make deals with Zac they way we do to get him to do something.

What’s amazing is that Bryce does this without intervention from adults, he has not been taught how to deal with Zac by anyone and does it all with an insight and patience that I wish all kids had.

This year, Bryce went to school while Zac stayed back to complete another year of kinder. It was a hard adjustment for him returning at the start of the year and both Zac and Bryce missed each other like the desert misses the rain, so we invited Bryce and his family for dinner, even though it’s frowned upon by management to “fraternise” with day-care centre staff, but this was about Zac maintaining a close friendship with his little mate.

One of the greatest fears we have is that he will not be able to make long lasting friends, that because of his nature and mannerisms, what we lovingly term “eccentricities”, kids will not want to befriend him. Gratefully this little boy has accepted him with open arms and without want or reward.

Dinner last night was the first invite we have had to another family’s house since we moved to the country 3 years ago. One of the first things to vanish from your life when you have an autistic child is your social life. For us, it’s been a lot by choice. We don’t go places because it can be tough and you don’t end up enjoying yourself because you’re always on edge making sure your kids not touching something, getting into places they shouldn’t, or playing with things off-limits!! The other issue is that new places, rules and routines set off melt-downs, tantrums and difficult behaviour either there or when you return home.

But last night proved us wrong.

When we arrived I was slightly on edge. You just can’t presume anything from an autistic kid, but the most generous and thoughtful thing happened. Bryce’s Dad, Dan, presented Zac with a 5-box of Hot Wheels cars (for anyone who has read my previous blogs will know how obsessed with cars Zac is!). Dan openly admits he has a soft spot for Zac. I also think he is really proud of his boys, especially how good they are with “different” kids.
What amazed me and touched me was that Dan later said that he got the cars because he knew that Zac might get a bit upset in a new environment and if he had some cars, then at least he would have something that might calm him.

No one has ever done that for us before. Gone out of their way to make my kid feel safe and accepted.

Don't get me wrong, we have close family and a friend who understand Zac’s nuances, but it amazes me that someone has thought beyond themselves to make my boy feel safe in their home. What Dan did was simple, yet made a world of difference to Zac, and us.

It speaks volumes to me about this families heart.  My son has been accepted into a family with no question about who he is or what “problems” he has. Belinda talks about him with affection and love and how he brings joy to her day at work. Dan talks with a smile about how he used to be greeted by Zac each day when picking up Bryce and secretly loves that Zac says he has “fire on his arms” referring to his tattoo.

AND! And, and the fact that their 6-year-old son can openly accept Zac for who he is, is a true testament to the way they are raising their kids. This is the acceptance and tolerance that all kids should be raised with and these parents are doing it without second thought.

We thank our new friends for the acceptance of our family....and for the invite to dinner!